I Blame the Dutch (mpoetess) wrote,
I Blame the Dutch

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Didn't Happen*: A Play In Two Acts

Act 1:

[interior of Game StopTM, a used video game and dvd shop]

[Female] Manager: Hey, that's supposed to be mine!

mpoetess, handing Queer As Folk Season 2 box set to cashier: Uh...? Nuh-uh. Mine!

Manager [clearly joking, sorta] : I was saving that for me! Mine.

mpoetess [feeling vaguely guilty, also happy there's somebody else in the neighborhood who would like QAF]: Nope. Mine. All mine. [Swipes check-card.]

Manager: That was my show. Until we finally gave up forking out the monthly bill for Showtime.

mpoetess [still somewhat guilty] : We don't have Showtime, but I know so many people who are into QAF in great detail, that I knew I'd have to invest in the dvds eventually. Just not new, because that's too much of an investment.

Manager: I loved that Michael. He's so cute!

mpoetess: [voiceover] Aww, Michael love!

Manager: And Melanie. And... that little blond kid. What's his name?

mpoetess: [voiceover] What the shit is this??? [Aloud] Justin?

Manager: Yeah, that's it. Justin. He was one firecracker of a boy. Um, young man, I guess I should say.

mpoetess: [voiceover] Oh no, I don't think so. Your show? My show. I may have only seen one season, but at least I can name all the characters, beeyotch. My dvds. I win. You lose. You go away. You go away and you die don't touch my dvds now. [Is silent.]

Manager: Well, ok, but the only way you can have them is if you promise to watch them and then bring them back!

mpoetess: [voiceover] Bitch, please! [Aloud] Uh.... yeah.

Manager: Well, it was worth a try.

mpoetess: One does not watch the naked gay men and then return them. One collects the naked gay men and retains them.

Manager: True, true, but obviously somebody returned the naked gay men, or they wouldn't be here.

mpoetess: In an obvious act of insanity, which clearly we would not want to compound. [Signs credit slip.]

Act 2:

[Interior of mpoetess and maeyan's car.]

mpoetess: Her show? Her show? I don't think so!

maeyan: [Doesn't care.] Uh-huh.

mpoetess: She couldn't remember Justin's name. Clearly the woman has no concept of what the phrase my show means. I mean, I couldn't claim it as my show, but even I can name all the main characters!

maeyan: [Continues not to care]

mpoetess: There's Brian and Justin and Michael, and Debbie, and Uncle Vic, and Ted and Emmett, and Melanie and... um... and Gus! Gus is the baby! Um. And I'm completely blanking on Gus' mother. Shit. [Voiceover] Oh noooo! If I cannot remember, I will not be the winner!

maeyan: [Still with the not caring] Uh huh. I know two of the characters. Uncle Vic, and Gus. Because you just said them and those are the only two I remember from the list.

mpoetess: And Daphne! She's Justin's best girl friend. [voiceover] Why can I not think of the other lesbian? I must, for I must not be the loser! [Aloud] Why can I not think of the other lesbian? I must, for I must not be the loser! I could cheat and look at the box, but then I'd be, y'know. The loser. [Reaches for dvd box anyway, since we're stuck in the McDonald's drive thru. Voiceover--] It can be shortened. Brian shortens it. No, not Mel, stupid. The other one. Umumumumumumumumum... Linds! [Sits back. Does not touch box.] Lindsey! Lindsey! I remembered, so I am the Winnarrr! My dvds!

maeyan: [Thinks I'm crazy, pays for food at drive thru window] You'd think you'd remember, what with it being so much like that one guy on Angel. Um...

mpoetess: Lindsey?

maeyan: Yeah. Him.

mpoetess: Shut up. I am The Winnnnar. My dvds. Shut up.

The End

*The title stems from the fact that this entire scenario obviously never occurred. Because That Would Be Wrong. TM *fondles dvd box*

Tags: tv
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