I Blame the Dutch (mpoetess) wrote,
I Blame the Dutch

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For the amusement of at least 1.5 people on my friendslist...

From maeyan, who got it from a co-worker.

Mattel recently announced the release of eleven limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Indianapolis market:

Carmel Barbie: This princess Barbie is sold only at Clay Terrace shopping center. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with an augmented version.

Fishers Barbie: The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

East 10th Street Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Geist Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Speedway Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Downtown Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drink s cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

Beech Grove Barbie: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Speedway Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Best Evarrrr And Completely True:

Broad Ripple Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Broad Ripple Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

38th Street Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Greenwood Barbie: She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always hunting.

Irvington Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.....

I can't testify to Downtown (since I only work there), Beech Grove (it looks pretty suburban to me), or Irvington (looks a hell of a lot like east 10th street when I drive through, so if there's a counterculture, it must be happening in the witching hours), but the rest? Oh yes. So very very true. Especially Speedway Barbie and Amy's Neighbors East 10th Street Barbie.

ETA: Even more amused; on a suspicion, I googled "This doll is made of actual tofu." The whole thing, with variations, has been applied and re-applied to various regions all over the U.S. ~ I could be annoyed, but why bother -- it's even more hilarious that a) it fits and b) these (stereo)types are so ubiquitous.
Tags: funny, indiana
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