I Blame the Dutch (mpoetess) wrote,
I Blame the Dutch

So if, mind you I say only if, and this based on my continuing desire *not* to write on CG every time I open the file, though I want to, and feel guilty whenever I work on any other project, I were to stop where it is, who exactly would be hurt?

I don't want to. I'm just in a place where A) I seem to be doing everything I can to avoid it, mostly because I'm unsatisfied with my writing on the current chapter and B)it seems to me that I'm shackled by my own fear of taking them out of character. Of their interactions being too melodramatic, too overemotional, too un-male, too fake. When I didn't think about characterization deeply, I could do it, apparently. People have said I made X/S believable for them, in CG. Now I look at it and am afraid the characters as they are now onscreen (S6) could never have done this, back then. (S4) I.e., I was perfectly capable of flying before I knew that Penguins can't. Now I'm kind of flapping around a low branch, aimlessly, afraid I'm going to fall if I jump off.

I asked the first question, who exactly would be hurt, because I was politely (I think) nudged in an e-mail to update CG, because it's been two months already (it hasn't -- been 4) and if I'm bored with it, I should at least give it a decent ending, not leave people hanging.

I'm not bored with the *idea* of CG. I have a storyline for CG mapped out, heading to the end of S5. I want to finish that story.

But I'm bored with my rut of writing it, these last few chapters. I'm bored with opening the file and looking at it in disgust. I'm bored with the boys being afraid to talk to each other, I'm bored with being unsure from moment to moment what Xander is thinking, in a Spike scene. I'm bored with my lack of progress, and I'm sure everybody who listens to me speak about it is bored with it too.

So, the point is, if I'm having so much trouble writing it now, that I'm alternately bitching, rewriting, and avoiding it, what makes people think that I have the ability to give it a decent ending, to please the hanging fans? If I could come up with a next chapter that pleased me, that I was willing to post, wouldn't I have done so already? If I could finish the next chapter in a way that I'm satisfied with, then there wouldn't *be* an issue of leaving pople hanging.

I'm just not sure I understand the logic.
Tags: cg-meta
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