Francine - harvest
I Blame the Dutch mpoetess
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Just. Tired.

I wish I didn't care about being labeled insane, delusional...

But my mother is, and I was raised by people who believed it was something awful and horrible and her fault and we should all be ashamed of it. I know better intellectually, but it's a pretty fucking big stigma for me. There are reasons I avoid considering seeing a shrink about potential depression, and that's a big one. So yeah, it pisses me off, and it hits me hard, and like someone poking at their own wounds, I keep reading people who I know are going to question my sanity, vocally, because I'm not jumping on the Kill Spike Now bandwagon. Because I *don't* think what happened makes him forever lost.

I wish I didn't see "And this means you, Amy" in every post where people are screaming their frustration and anger and rage at anyone who doesn't hate Spike because of the events of this episode. But I don't hate him, and I do see it, and it makes me tired and hurt and just.

Like I'm now never allowed to write anything with my viewpoint character, the one I've come to know from inside, tried to understand his conflicts, tried to treat Buffy fairly as a character, see her values in his eyes, defend her to the slashtwits who make her the Big Bitch Villain, when I personally can't fucking stand her... And I can't write him without bowing and scraping and disclaimering "But this is an AU Spike. I'm not trying to whitewash him. Real Spike is bad and evil and can't be saved and isn't worth being saved, and should be staked now, now, now." And even the disclaimer won't work. It really won't. I'll still be one of *Them* The ones who can ratiionalize anything away and you'd never want to trust us in a room with your innocent kids.

Fuck it.

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.

I'm going to go outside and eat worms, kay?


2002-05-09 10:16 am (UTC) (Link)

I need sword carrying, ass kicking icon for posts/replies like this. Watch this space/or my journal. I'm going to hunt and find it.

I mentioned you specifically in some of the stuff I wrote. Because I knew/felt that you might take this to heart, and react this way about the Spike you write.

My response is let someone else fuck 'em Cause I wouldn't want to touch them with a 10ft pole.

Granted, a lot of this is because if feels as if they can't understand that what they're writing can effect people like this.

As if they don't get that he is a character and there is no story without shades of grey. Otherwise, why write/tell the story in the first place.

Human beings and fictional characters are not one dimensional. We, humans have many layers, parts, thoughts, ideas, ideologies, theories etc. It's what makes us a fucking marvel from the heavens.

And good characters reflect that. Whether we're calling those characters, Klingon, Nitzchean, Vampire or Dog.

The insanity bit has been a trigger for me too. Which is why some of my stuff is comments off.

(((((((AMY <-- wonderful person, spectacular writer, absolutely beleivable Spike voice )))))))))


2002-05-09 10:24 am (UTC) (Link)

:-) Thanks -- but I wasn't really doubting whether my Spike(s) are believable. I'm just -- losing it. Because now I feel like, no matter how "believable" any past or future spike characterization I might write ill be, I will be judged for writing it. I will be judged for caring about the character. There will be those who will like it, and they will be judged too.

And I feel like I;m supposed to sit and take it, bob my head and say yup, you're right, I was wrong, Joss fucked me over, it's my fault for being stupid. Please ma'am, may I go away to my fluffy AU series and watch the piranhas spawn, because at least there I won't be violating anybody's concept of womanhood or sanity if I care about little fluffy deliberately semi-OOC DP Spike. Except yeah, I still will.


2002-05-09 10:56 pm (UTC) (Link)

Don't care what happens in canon any more. Your stories are far more real to me than anything which occurs onscreen.