Francine - harvest
I Blame the Dutch mpoetess
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Just. Tired.

I wish I didn't care about being labeled insane, delusional...

But my mother is, and I was raised by people who believed it was something awful and horrible and her fault and we should all be ashamed of it. I know better intellectually, but it's a pretty fucking big stigma for me. There are reasons I avoid considering seeing a shrink about potential depression, and that's a big one. So yeah, it pisses me off, and it hits me hard, and like someone poking at their own wounds, I keep reading people who I know are going to question my sanity, vocally, because I'm not jumping on the Kill Spike Now bandwagon. Because I *don't* think what happened makes him forever lost.

I wish I didn't see "And this means you, Amy" in every post where people are screaming their frustration and anger and rage at anyone who doesn't hate Spike because of the events of this episode. But I don't hate him, and I do see it, and it makes me tired and hurt and just.

Like I'm now never allowed to write anything with my viewpoint character, the one I've come to know from inside, tried to understand his conflicts, tried to treat Buffy fairly as a character, see her values in his eyes, defend her to the slashtwits who make her the Big Bitch Villain, when I personally can't fucking stand her... And I can't write him without bowing and scraping and disclaimering "But this is an AU Spike. I'm not trying to whitewash him. Real Spike is bad and evil and can't be saved and isn't worth being saved, and should be staked now, now, now." And even the disclaimer won't work. It really won't. I'll still be one of *Them* The ones who can ratiionalize anything away and you'd never want to trust us in a room with your innocent kids.

Fuck it.

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.

I'm going to go outside and eat worms, kay?

Re: Naming of Names


2002-05-09 02:28 pm (UTC) (Link)

Hmm - what might be better than an LJ community, would be an EZboard type thing. Yeah, they suck for large groups, can be unreliable, but anyone can start a topic, doesn't have to be a member. Some of them even have snazzy icons.

AKA, a posting board forum -- threaded, not like the Bronze, which gives me the shivers. HTML capable so you could post pics if you liked.

Re: Naming of Names


2002-05-10 09:46 pm (UTC) (Link)

Ah, but EZBoard would be yet one more place to go to and would end up creating more fragmentation rather than consolidating the discussion that's already on LiveJournal. And having only LJ folks be able to start a topic would help with keeping the volume to an interesting-but-manageable level and the content to cool discussion rather than 14-year-old drooling (which has its place, I'll admit -- it's just not a place I want to be *g*).

I would be utterly thoroughly thrilled if someone started a Buffyverse LJ community. I would also suggest, in the interest of keeping it to thoughtful discussion and away from one-liners and drool, that the name not immediately identify it as Buffy-related. As you pointed out, that would immediately attract too many people looking for something other than thoughtful adult-level discussion. The name doesn't have to identify it if the bio defines it clearly, and links to the new community from a handful of oft-frequented journals would ensure that the right folks find it.

My suggestion for a name would be either Somber Violins or Darker Than This, but those reflect my Spike-bias and my music bias. Those are the names of a couple of Spike songs I found and promptly fell in love with. Yep, biased biased biased.